Here's How I am Regaining Myself After Losing It in Motherhood
They promise to change you, but they never explain how profoundly. Not just how you sleep or what you wear. not only your physical form. But you. the individual you were prior to becoming a mother.
I was not aware of it all at once. More like glacial unraveling, actually. A thousand small sacrifices. A silent amnesia of who I was before.
I do know, though, that I want her back. And one tiny, deliberate decision at a time, I am learning how to locate her once more.
The Disappearing Act I Was Unprepared for
I was just me before I became a mother. I had interests. I had objectives. Throughout my time, I experienced impromptu coffee dates, restful evenings, and a feeling of accomplishment.
Then, like a lovely, tumultuous storm, came parenthood. My world became a whirl of to-do lists, bottles, burp cloths, and baby sleep cycles. And I did not mind for a time. I was required. I had fallen in love. I gave it my all.
However, I vanished in the midst of the never-ending laundry loads and the midnight feedings.
Not intentionally. Not in a big way. Just quietly, slowly. like the end of a song.
The Silent Sorrow of Self-Loss
The sadness of motherhood—not the grief of losing a child, but the grief of losing oneself—is not something that is often discussed. You no longer have time for these pastimes.
So, this is how I am rediscovering myself.
No major redesigns. No retreats lasting a week. Back to me, just little, steady steps.
1. I began to affirm myself once more.
Yes, to spend half an hour by myself at the coffee shop.
Yes, even if I am simply heading to the grocery store, I will wear mascara.
Yes, you can reply to a friend's text. Yes, I would read a book that is not about raising children.
Because it takes practice to say yes to yourself again once you have become accustomed to placing yourself last.
2. "What Did I Love Before?" I asked.
I had a passion for writing. So I am writing now. In my Notes app at two in the morning. Just a sentence, sometimes. However, I am doing it. It also has a homey atmosphere.
What did you formerly love? Painting? Dancing? Cooking? Hiking? Look for the remnants of that self. Choose one and perform it—badly, erratically, or with enthusiasm.
3. I Forgive Myself for Desiring More
This one is difficult. The pressure to be completely unselfish is immense. to express gratitude. To just desire the honor of raising miniature humans.
You can still want to feel like yourself even if you are extremely appreciative.
You might still yearn for something that is exclusively yours even if you adore your children more than anything else.
4. I redefined self-care as respect for oneself.
This has nothing to do with bubble baths. (Although those are beautiful.)
This has to do with consuming adequate water. arranging for a check-up. requesting assistance. establishing a limit. It is sustainable, not self-serving.
It is okay that I am still a work in progress.
I feel like a ghost of the woman I used to be on some days. However, there are other times when I feel her again, like when I laugh with a friend, when I finish a chapter, or when I feel proud of myself for something I did.
I have no intention of returning. It is okay that I am no longer that version of myself.
However, I am learning how to incorporate some of her into my new life.
to have one's own pulse and to be a mother.
If you are reading this and you are also feeling confused...
You are not by yourself. Many of us are on this same solitary journey, attempting to relearn who we are, to be whole, and to be present.
You do not have to start again right away.
Simply start with one item that makes you think of yourself.
since you are still inside.
She remains inside.
She is also worth looking for.
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