"I Miss My Old Life, Even Though I Love My Kids": The Guilt and the Development

The truth is, though, that missing who you were does not imply that you no longer love your kids. It simply indicates your humanity.

The Silent Guilt

You are given a silent script as soon as you become a mother:

You ought to be thankful all the time.

Your function as "mom" should fulfill you.

You should not yearn for solitude, freedom, or space.

You suppress the pain when it arises because you miss your identity, your desire, and your independence. because the guilt is really strong.

To be clear, though, missing your former life does not imply that you lack gratitude. It forces you to be truthful.

Things I Missed (And Still Miss Occasionally)

I miss having impromptu arrangements that were not centered on snacks and naps.

I miss spending late evenings with friends and taking long showers.

I miss having a sense of belonging.

All that changed when I became a mother. It shrank some portions of me that I did not anticipate, but it also extended me in lovely, unthinkable ways. I miss those sections more than I can confess on some days.

Growth Is Painful Sometimes

As mothers, we develop. We do, of course. Our ability to love, balance, and persevere increases. However, loss frequently accompanies gain.

We are defeated:

Autonomy

Time

Friendships

Aspects of who we are

Not everything is negative. Some of it is quite lovely. Denying the loss, however, deprives us of the complete reality of motherhood.

And when we allow the sadness to be named without shame, healing starts.

How I am Acquiring Both Skills

I no longer make an effort to "move on" from my past. Instead, I am learning to simultaneously hold both truths:

I adore my kids. Fiercely.

I long for the time when I could urinate without asking permission.

I am creating room for the duality in the following ways:

First, I normalize the emotion

It is liberating when I say aloud to a friend, "I miss my former life," and she nods rather than passing judgment. More safe places to express the harsh realities are needed.

2. I Take Back Little Bits

Perhaps I can not just up and go anywhere at any time. But I can use a podcast to stroll by myself. I am able to write once more. I can gently invite her back by finding glimmers of that former self.

3. I Put Remorse in the Backseat

Guilt can accompany, but it is not allowed to take the wheel. I remind myself that I did not make a bad decision just because I missed anything. It simply indicates that becoming a mother did not change who I was; rather, it enhanced

It is okay to miss her.

It is acceptable to skip sleep.

Lazy Sundays and late-night takeaway are OK.

You are permitted to miss your independence, ambition, and self-assurance prior to becoming a mother.

You are also free to speak it aloud. Because naming the emotion does not imply that you no longer love your children. It indicates that you remain connected to your former self, and that self is still significant.

What If Old Life Was Just Different, Not Better?

There are moments when I question whether my previous life was better or just easier. It was all mine. My heart now belongs to small people I would sacrifice anything for, but my time, energy, and everything else are all shared.

And that is what parenthood pushes and pulls:

The gap between the past and the present.

The intersection of grace and guilt.

The truth is that I adore my children.

I also miss my former life.

Both are accurate. And both are doing OK.