Infertility and Other People’s Pregnancies: How to Cope Without Losing Yourself or Your Friendships

The truth is, infertility doesn’t just affect your body or your future plans. It can shake your friendships, strain family bonds, and make ordinary social situations feel unbearable. But there are ways to protect your heart while still nurturing the relationships that matter most.

When “Good People” Have Dark Thoughts

Let’s be honest: infertility can make you think things you never thought you were capable of. You might envy your friend’s bump, secretly wish her pregnancy would vanish, or feel resentment when people complain about morning sickness. And then, almost instantly, guilt floods in.

But here’s the thing: these thoughts don’t make you a bad person. They make you human. As I often tell people: you’d cheer for your friend if she won the lottery or landed her dream job. But this is different. She has what you’re aching for, and the ache doesn’t just disappear because you want to feel happy for her.

Give yourself permission to have messy emotions. Naming them is the first step toward softening their sting.

Why the First Announcement Hurts the Most

Often, the hardest moment isn’t the pregnancy itself, it's the announcement. That gut-punch of finding out can feel unbearable, especially if it comes casually or in a group setting. Ideally, friends would share the news privately, gently, and with acknowledgment of how hard it might hit you. But life is rarely ideal.

The good news? For many, the pain dulls as the pregnancy goes on. What feels like a tidal wave at the beginning slowly settles into smaller ripples. Time doesn’t erase the ache, but it can make it more survivable.

Baby Showers: Permission to Say No

Let’s be real: baby showers are emotional minefields. They exist to celebrate the very thing you’re aching for, surrounded by onesies, diaper cakes, and endless pregnancy chatter.

So, can you skip your friend’s shower? Absolutely. A true friend will understand, especially if you’re honest. You might say, “I love you and I want to celebrate you, but being in the shower right now would be too painful for me.” Then suggest an alternative: take her to lunch, drop off a thoughtful gift, or spend one-on-one time together that doesn’t revolve around baby talk.

That way, you’re showing love but on terms that protect your own heart.

Why One-on-One Time Matters

If you do choose to spend time with a pregnant friend, keep it small. Group settings often spiral into pregnancy war stories, symptom complaints, and conversations you can’t control.

One-on-one, you have space to steer things gently. You can talk about her pregnancy in ways that feel manageable or talk about anything else entirely. You also regain a sense of choice, which is crucial when infertility makes so much of life feel out of your control.

When the Baby Arrives

News of a birth can sting just as deeply as the announcement of a pregnancy. Again, intimacy is key. Offer to drop off dinner, visit briefly when the house isn’t crowded, or wait a few weeks until the chaos dies down. You can still show up just in a way that respects your limits.

Remember, you don’t owe anyone long hours of cooing over a newborn while swallowing your own grief.

Friendship is a Two-Way Street

It’s important to remember: maintaining relationships through infertility isn’t just your job. Your friends matter too. A supportive friend doesn’t need to fully “get it” in fact, many won’t, especially if pregnancy has come easily to them. But they can try.

What matters most is often not perfect words, but a genuine effort. A friend who says, “I don’t always know the right thing, but I care and I’m here” may give you exactly what you need: not solutions, but solidarity.

Final Thought

Infertility is a lonely road, and other people’s pregnancies can feel like obstacles scattered in your path. But with honesty, boundaries, and compassion (for yourself as much as others), you can walk it without losing the friendships that matter most.

Because while infertility changes the way you see the world, it doesn’t have to take away the people you love in it.