How to Respond to Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool
It never fails, tantrums seem to happen at the worst possible times. Your toddler is screaming just as you’ve wrangled everyone for a family walk, finally coordinated that big video call, or need silence for work.
You’re frustrated, maybe even on the verge of your own meltdown. But reacting in the heat of the moment usually makes things worse.Try this three-step method instead.
1. Confirm Their Emotions
Recognizing feelings without expressing agreement or disagreement is known as validation. Making your child feel heard can lessen the intensity of their emotions.
Rather than using reasoning:
"What is causing your agitation? Dessert cannot be had prior to dinner.
Attempt validation:
"I will not offer you a cookie before supper, which is why you are upset."
Optional second clause (substitute "and" for "but"):
"You can have a cookie after supper, but I will not give you one before, which is why you are upset."
Even though they might not settle down right away, you are setting the stage for them to learn how to control their emotions.
2. Disregard "Dandelions"Think of your child as a garden:
The rose is good behavior, and dandelions are unwanted behaviors like tantrums. Whatever gets attention will grow.
Once you’ve validated, stop feeding the dandelions. Shift your focus, fold laundry, tidy up, look out the window but don’t give in. Be prepared for an extinction burst (behavior getting worse before it improves).
If you eventually give the cookie or attention after ignoring, you’re teaching your child to push harder next time.
3. Praise Cooperation
The moment your child returns to cooperative behavior, praise it clearly and enthusiastically:
“Thanks for joining us at the table respectfully! I’m proud of you.”
If the demands start up again, return to ignoring. Think of it as watering the rose, not the dandelions.
Handling Public Tantrums
In public, the urge to “manage appearances” can be strong but most parents have been in your shoes. If needed, tell bystanders, “I’m giving them space to calm down.”
And don’t forget to validate yourself: feeling embarrassed or frustrated is normal. The key is consistency over time, you’ll see more roses and fewer dandelions.
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