The breakdown of a relationship

Without passion, commitment, and intimacy, the chances of failure in a romantic relationship increase. So that the breakup is not dramatic and painful, it is best to be frank with yourself and your partner. Of course, if one of the components feels that he cannot live without the other, there is a problem that must be treated by a professional.

In these pages, with the help of a psychologist, ECOS addresses the always complex sentimental issues in human beings, considers different situations that couples usually experience, and, finally, offers some advice for those who must face difficult, even definitive, moments in life. love.

dimensions of love

The psychologist Iván Salinas clarifies from the beginning that it is difficult to approach the topic of a love relationship from psychology since there are several theoretical positions on the matter. He considers that the most coherent approach is that of psychologist Robert Jeffrey Sternberg.

According to Sternberg, love is made up of three elements: attractiveness (the physical and sexual part of the relationship); intimacy (feeling comfortable and trusting with the other person, to the point of revealing information that is not shared with anyone), and commitment (the conscious decision to stay with someone).

The three dimensions are of great importance, according to the American psychologist; If one of them is missing, it could not be considered mature love.

emotional and sentimental love

Salinas says that one must distinguish between love as an emotion and as a feeling. Emotional love is similar to the passion, attraction, and liking that one person feels for another; Although it is very intense, it usually lasts a short time, perhaps a few months.

On the other hand, mature or sentimental love goes beyond simple emotionality and taste, it requires other elements such as feeling comfortable in intimacy with the other person and the commitment to be permanently with them and be faithful.

“However, it is important to clarify that starting a relationship during adolescence, youth or adulthood is not the same thing,” Salinas discerns.

Furthermore, the beginning and end of a relationship depend a lot on the moment in which we live, previous experiences, and emotional maturity, adds the professional.

The myths

Determining that a romantic relationship ends without facing major problems or a crisis is difficult. If it has established itself as mature, because there is passion, commitment, and intimacy, in theory, it would not have to end.

Some myths have contributed to thinking that a relationship has to end in a marriage or that a person has to look for their "better half", which means the existence of someone ideal for each person.

According to Salinas, it is difficult to define love scientifically and even more difficult to confront the romantic myth→→that they sell us in fairy tales and soap operas. In psychology, the premise is that love is a construction, and if the couple does not dedicate themselves to taking care of their relationship positively and healthily, it will probably end in a breakup.

A “healthy” couple

“Of course, it is possible to end a relationship healthily, but there are many factors that are involved in it. To begin with, a healthy couple has appropriate communication at different levels, from the emotional to the sexual,” says the psychologist.

So a healthy relationship can end the same way, healthily. For this there must be a certain degree of coherence on an emotional level: those involved in a relationship of this type know what they feel and what they want for each other.

If not, they will inevitably expose themselves to a scenario where conflicts could arise at the time of an emotional breakup.

They influence a breakup

“When a couple lacks any of these three aspects: love, intimacy or commitment, or all three, likely, they are not destined to stay together,” Salinas reinforces.

For example, those who do not have much intimacy tend to become companions rather than partners; By neglecting the physical part, they do not revitalize the love relationship.

On the other hand, if a couple has a lot of passion and intimacy but little commitment, although it may be pleasant to be with the other person, they may not be interested in formalizing, explains the psychologist. And he clarifies that this can happen to both men and women. •

Machismo Gender issue

The psychologist Javier Salinas maintains that in our environment it is inevitable to talk about the gender issue. Sexist myths contribute to the fact that many couples cannot end a relationship healthily, generally due to the man's tendency to objectify the woman as if she were his property.

In those cases, the man does not allow a relationship to end healthily. “He sees his ego threatened when he sees that someone is interested in the woman, which makes him start to desire what he doesn't have. That is why it is important to know what you want and how you feel about the other person; that is capital,” insists the expert.

There are young and adult couples who don't know whether or not they want to continue with a relationship, so many stay together out of a kind of inertia.

In that type of scenario, partners can hurt each other and not handle a breakup healthily.

What to do when you break up with one?

When you break up with someone, even if it hurts, the ideal thing is to be okay with yourself. You should try to manage grief coherently, taking care of yourself.

“A principle of the psychology of love is that if one does not have good self-esteem and does not take care of oneself, it is unlikely that one will accept a romantic breakup calmly and coherently. It is normal to feel frustrated and sad when a relationship breaks down; In fact, this situation should not be denied, but it should not be prolonged because every day, everyone loses someone,” advises the psychologist.

It is also important to distract yourself with activities that you like. Maybe with those that sometimes get lost because they stop looking when one is in a relationship.

Infidelity does not always end in a breakup

Infidelity does not necessarily have to lead to the breakup of a relationship. Some deal with the pain it causes and learn from that process, as psychologist Javier Salinas explains to ECOS.

Sometimes, when infidelity occurs in a couple, we seek to improve from that traumatic moment.

Healthy couples can handle infidelity in a way that even strengthens their relationship. The key is that the members of that couple maintain emotional maturity, know what they want, can identify the premises for the future and calmly evaluate decisions before making them hormonally, says Salinas.

Emotional dependence

When one of the two does not want to leave the relationship and there is an emotional dependence that implies feeling that they cannot live without the other person, it represents a major problem and then they should go to a psychologist to analyze why they feel that way.

A complicated breakup means you have a psychological problem; Sometimes when you enter into a loving relationship, aspects that you didn't know about yourself begin to emerge, changing your behavior.

There are people who, when they are alone, as friends, have a behavior, but when they start a romantic relationship they change, something awakens the worst in them.

That is why it is important to consider the couple as a learning space, recommends the psychologist consulted by ECOS, since not everyone will wake up the same. “Those who have had several partners know that very well,” he concludes.

Tips to take into account

• When they break up with one, or one breaks up with the other, we have to accept that it is not easy but it does not mean the end of the world either.
• It is important to be honest with your partner. There is no need to embellish an uncomfortable truth.
• Do not wait until the last minute to propose ending the relationship, because there is a greater chance of harming the other person.
• Recognize that the other person is valuable and assume, within that value, that they cannot be hurt so as not to hurt both parties.
• Don't abandon yourself in a relationship, don't stop being who you are. If another person likes you, it's for a reason. The relationship should not become an excuse to stop doing what you like.
• Leave a space for each one. If you do not know how to handle the situation well, the couple invades all the scenarios of the other's life and becomes a kind of unit, where one has to give up the things they want for the other.
• Try not to speak ill of your ex-partner because in some way you are speaking ill of yourself and the decisions you made at the time.
• To love, the person has to be good with themselves and, when maintaining a relationship, continually review how it is going, and what they are doing to improve it.
• There has to be dialogue and honesty with oneself and with one's partner. It is not easy, love does not respond to a recipe and each couple looks for a way to take care of themselves, improve, and stay together.
• Commitment does not mean saying “I do” on the wedding day and hoping that magically there will be no problems. The commitment is constantly updated.